How to tell if a band is Chindie

Chindie: An arse-splutteringly boring genre of music that gives horrible chavs an excuse to 'get into' guitar music. 

The Enemy: Christ.

Want to know if a band is Chindie or not? See below:


- They will have been endorsed, at some point, by either Noel Gallagher or Paul Weller. Or even both.


- Their music will be listened to by young men who have no awareness of who XTC are.


- They will likely come from a  provincial backwater, somewhere in England or Scotland.


- If they have a new record out, the advert will be voiced by either Andrew Lincoln or the fella that played Brick Top in Guy Ritchie's Snatch. Their advert MAY be voiced by Jo Whiley, but only if she has asked personally to voice it for nothing, in another woeful attempt to appear relevant or 'edgy'.


- The lead singer will be mind-blowingly obnoxious. The sort of chap (and it will always be a chap) who you wouldn't even want in your town on a Sunday, let alone have him over for Sunday lunch.


- This band will also have no chance WHATSOEVER of breaking America, even with a song called 'America' (I'm looking at you, Razorlight).


- They will have at least one appearance on T4 under their belt, probably more. And whilst they spent the entire interview/s trying to appear 'cool', they would subsequently have no qualms with performing at annual shit-in-your-hat-and-punch-it borefest T4 on the Beach. They'd probably mime.


- At least one of their members would have appeared on Never Mind the Buzzcocks and made one-man smug machine Simon Amstell appear intelligent and funny.


- They will have been styled (secretly or otherwise) by Bellend-in-Chief Henry Holland.


- The lead singer will sing in a regional accent so broad, it will make your earlobes turn up and try to actually block your own ear canals on behalf of your brain. 




Next time: The Top Ten Chindie Bands. Ever.


Have you seen a band whose 'fans' have destroyed the town centre after the show? Have you been to a gig that was populated almost entirely by young, white males called Kev? If so, you're dangerously close to Chindie territory. Let us know at chindiewatch@gmail.com